To do: Find To Do list for organizing the To Do list

OK, I've got 10 things to do today, so to help keep myself organized I'm gonna make a to-do list, the defacto advice for ADHD issues by people who don't realize what they are asking. 

1. 2. ...10. Ok all written out. 

Crap I mean I wrote them all down but number 1 doesn't happen until after work, so that needs to be at the bottom otherwise I will mentally stop myself from focusing on the others because the first isn't done yet. Chronological order matters of course. So now we've reorganized, the early stuff up top, the later stuff below. 

OK but the first task is something I expect to take several hours. Let's move that down a bit because the giant almost insurmountable mountain of a task feels near impossible to get through and I will need some serious momentum. Let's put easier smaller tasks first. 

Got it. Morning: 1-5 easy to hard, Night 6-10 easy to hard. Got momentum rolling me into bigger projects and tasks sorted into time of day.

OK got through 1-3, but 4 and 5 are big tasks. Let's split those up to make them more manageable. 4 and 5 are now broken into sub-tasks! All this organization has me worn out mentally. Take a short break

-2 hours later-

Crap, I spent way too long on that <INSERT HYPERFOCUS TASK/DISTRACTION HERE>!

OK, I've got enough time for this little part. Done, time to head home!

OK, I'm home, I set my bag down, aaaand... never thought about my to-do list again.

Wake up the next day, realize my mistake, and spend 20 min trying to find my to-do list. Can't remember where I put it. Make a new one. Gotta add new tasks for today but also combine them with what I remember from yesterday. This can all get a bit overwhelming, what if I put these in my phone in a reminder app so I never lose my list, that seems smart. 

Spends 1 hr being picky about finding the best to-do list app that suits my needs exactly and tailors to the issues I have with executive function. 

Cool, I've got the app finally. 2 days go by and I forget to actually use the app, time to use it finally!

OK, I added a bunch of crap and micromanaged my schedule for the day down to every 15 min or so. Don't wanna be too specific that I get discouraged with timelines. Now to get to work.... and forget to look at my phone...

I add all the new stuff the next day and slide the missing stuff from the last week, and now we're good, let's start a new fresh day. I'm looking at my notifications, I'm looking, I'm looking. I'm ignoring, I see it, I know it, but I ignore it. There are too many things, not enough time, and unrealistic expectations.

Despite splitting the tasks into manageable bites, the truth is that I've now piled a bunch of small tasks under a big tarp of an app that now forms my insurmountable mountain.

My new insurmountable task: Use the to-do list, don't get burned out from trying to use it. Don't get notification fatigue from all the tasks that need to be done. 

My new insurmountable thought: Why can't I freaking figure out how to USE a to-do list, let alone figure out how to manage my time and not feel like a lazy bum who can't get things done?! Cue self-doubt, guilt, frustration, self-loathing, and any other negative thought process you can think of. Then negative thoughts weigh on me and drain my mental and emotional energy, now I have less capability to get the work done.

Downward Spiral Commence. It's hard to get out, and I don't really have a good answer to this problem. It's taken me about 2 years to get to my current organization system, and I barely manage to use it at all. I can hyperfocus on creating the 'perfect' organizing system, but heaven forbid I can focus long enough on actually doing anything with it. 

That title is not a joke. Right now I have a to-do list for the process of organizing my to-do lists. I've drug it with me to work every day for the last month and only managed to look at/use it twice. A lot of people with ADHD talk about the motivation to do tasks, but honestly, I have a harder time just remembering to do it. 

Being organized and feeling in control of myself is the single biggest struggle I face day to day. If you or someone you know struggles to get things done, it might not be laziness, it might not even be motivation, it might be a simple lack of organization leading to being constantly overwhelmed and drowning in their responsibilities. If I figure out a solution, I'll make sure to put it on my to-do list to remind me to tell you.

With love and insanity equally,

J.M.