A point about graduation

 Rather a point away from graduation. Today I tell a story that is really hard for me. Often those of us living with ADHD are fairly smart as far as academics go but struggle with executive functions, social cues, and all the things that make life move. For the most part in grade school, most learn to cope/mask and get by making ok enough grades to pass. 

Then comes college. All the routine and teacher and parent pressures keeping us afloat are thrown out the window and the plane crashes into an ocean filled with sharks and we must survive alone. The biggest issue is most haven't actually developed any skills to deal with our issues, we have just shoved through it because of the constant pressure on them. 

    I don't call myself smart. If I took an IQ test, I think I would be slightly above average, but I'm not just inherently smart, I didn't shoot out of the womb reciting calculus formulas or reading Shakespeare. What I do have is a good ability to absorb information. I can get to an intermediate understanding of most topics in a shorter time than others. I then plateau and lose any motivation until I find a new topic, but that's for another post. With this 'smart' brain, teachers and parents alike see you are smart, but then get confused with less-than-expected grades. You're so smart, why are you not doing your homework, why are you not acing this class, 'WE KNOW YOU CAN'. 

    My parents were as good as I could have hoped for in not burdening me with expectations, but they didn't know how to reconcile my grades with how smart they knew I was. In grade school, they put pressure on me, kept a routine, and made sure I did x y and z so my grades didn't slip. But when college came, I had not developed a single study skill, organization skill, life skill, etc. I was on my own and I had no parental pressure to rely on. If I missed an afternoon class, the principal wasn't gonna have a meeting with me, and my parents wouldn't be told. It was up to me to determine my own fate and what I got out of college. 

Needless to say, college was not my finest hour. I initially almost failed out in the first semester. Runescape was partly to blame for that one, but I just wasn't actually ready for this. The ability to absorb grade school info and regurgitate quickly isn't enough for a college class with harder topics, labs, and no structure. I shoved my way thru and got back to a passable level with some small struggles along the way. Then comes the final semester and the dreaded Senior Project.

Now the project part, I'm all down for, I had a great idea comparing water filtration mediums available in poorer nations with cheap and readily available building materials (PVC Pipes). The teacher loved the idea. I was one of 2 students actually performing any experiment; everyone else just picked a topic and wrote a paper. But we're getting ahead of the story. 

I knew about the project and the paper the semester before. Because of a semester break early on, I was a semester behind vs the normal school year and my last semester was in the fall. I am HORRIBLE at academic essays. The structure of repeating your points over again in different ways thru the intro, methodology, results and conclusion just doesn't click. My brain works in short bullet points. 

So I spent the whole summer PREWRITING the paper. I had 90% of the paper done before the class started and my idea was even approved. My desire to beat this thing and graduate led to a summer of hyper-focusing that to this day I've never been able to reproduce. I was proud of what I did. I spent a TON of time on the methodology because that is the hardest section for me.

 

At the same time, I had 2 classes that were way easier, conceptual information, do some homework, pass and be done. Same teacher, homework heavy class, but the subjects should have been a breeze. But I kept forgetting to do the homework. Fast forward to the end of the semester. I know I messed up on the 2 smaller courses. I'm panicked and nervous about graduation. Grades come in and both are F's. I talk to the teacher, and if I can finish this list of missed homework, he'll raise me to a passing grade. 

He knows I'm smart, I know I can do it. I get a C- on my senior project. Now that may sound bad, but I was thrilled, again academic writing is my kryptonite, so I was happy to just pass it. I'd fix the 2 classes, graduate, and be ok!

    But as I found out, C- isn't passing. The class was a C-Wall class and as I learned, C- doesn't count. Has to be C or C+, a stupid rule in my opinion, but oh well. It's so close, so I ask the teacher what I can do to bump just a point or two to hit C. the answer is I have to rewrite the methodology section. It just wasn't up to snuff and brought me down a lot. Now you'd expect me to say 'OK shove through this and the other 2 classes, fix my grades, graduate, YAY'. 

But I didn't. I didn't even try to touch the 2 small classes. I spent the whole summer prewriting the paper and spent most of that time writing the methodology. During the semester, I used the writing centre appointments, and I did everything I could to pass that. But that was the one section that I needed to completely redo.

    All talk of chores and daily tasks aside, this was the most insurmountable task I've ever faced. This single moment holds the most self-shame deep in my heart. I have grown and learned a lot and come to accept myself and my struggles, but I still hate myself for not even trying. I knew at the time in my head that I simply was not capable of making that methodology better, so I didn't bother. Maybe I could have, I don't know. But I know I should have tried. That one decision fueled a decade of self-shame, entry-level factory and staffing jobs, job instability, and financial insecurity, all of which I'm trying to dig my way out of to this day.

    This post is a cautionary tale. My parents did everything they knew to do. I was supported, loved, and given every opportunity for help. I gave up on that degree. We shouldn't shame ourselves for our struggles, but we also have to be realistic about taking responsibility for our own actions. I may not have been good enough to make that section better, but what if I was? Or maybe I talked to the teacher and he let me do something else to make it better. I've saddled my wife and kids with years of struggle because I chose not to try. I no longer shame myself for the C- or forgetting homework in the 2 classes. But I am mad at myself for not even trying to fix it.

With love and insanity equally,

J.M.