The Low Point of the Roller Coaster

 One of the things we've talked about is the extremes of ADHD. It's not just strengths and weaknesses, it's superpowers and disabilities. It's hyperfocus on a game for 24 hrs without blinking and it's going months at a time without being able to force yourself to do basic tasks like homework or hygiene. 

So what do we do in those low moments? Well not much, I can tell you that. I'm currently 2 months in on the shortage of my Focalin focus medication. I feel like I'm in a constant haze. I struggle to do even the most basic of tasks. Boredom is the smallest of distractions away from taking over every part of my mind.

As I'm writing this I'm actively trying to find where I want to take this post, and what I want to say with it. Honestly, I'm not sure. I think it's more awareness than anything. There are times like right now when something is completely out of my control. Does this mean I can't do the healthy habits that help me? Can I not use the techniques I've learned about over the years? 

Well yes, but no. When I'm at the bottom of the roller coaster, it's not just the big things I struggle with. It's the little things, like all the healthy habits and techniques I use. The things that help keep my head above water are currently floating on the surface, but I'm sinking further and further away from them. Are there flotation rings life preservers to grab? Yeah, but if I can't reach them, what does it matter? And then I spend 10 minutes drowning more because I forgot what life preservers were called and kept finding results for lifebuoy or life-ring and neither sounded right. 

OK the name is fixed, but I'm still 20 ft under and sinking faster. Heaven forbid how much effect this can have when a person has common comorbidities like anxiety and depression. These can further reduce any chance of me having the mindset or willpower to swim up to the life doughnuts, apparently another name for them. 

I want to say "but" and explain how it's not so terrible and with this easy trick that ADHD doctors hate, I can start swimming again. The truth is it sucks. Moments like these can not only dampen any current success being had but even pull you backwards. 

Jobs can be lost, and money can be impulsively spent in moments of poor judgement or control. Relationships can suffer. The ADHD tax many people talk about is not just things we buy to help ourselves survive, it's also the losses we face when something goes wrong and we don't have the control to fix it. I've just gotta wait for the roller coaster to head up again on this one and hope I don't end up puking in the meantime.

With love and insanity equally,

J.M.