Playing Devil's Advocate is a full-time gig

Overthinking is my life, my existence, my state of being. But also I really enjoy the simplicity and easy thoughts. But on the other hand...

My Full-Time Job

I work full-time in IT, heading towards Networking and Security. But my full-time job is an advocate position. As an extension of my full-time job whatiffing everything into dust, I spend a lot of time seeing both sides of issues. My unique 'gift' of my mind forcing me to see every perspective allows me to often get a surface-level empathy of almost any situation. Deeper understanding, nah! That's for the plebs. But getting a broad look at every side of the coin, yeah that's the real shiz! Don't get me wrong, I'm still extremely stuck in my own logical structures and arrogance being the 'kid with so much potential if he just applied himself', but I know how to argue both sides pretty well. I'm not sure if this is a real term or if I came up with it, but I take things to the 'logical extremes all the time.

Picking The Soda

Well, let's assume we're picking soda and not being good about cutting out sugars for our diabetes because the day has been overwhelming and I know I'm gonna need that sugar to even attempt doing 1/2 of the bare minimum cleaning upkeep to prevent pure overwhelming abject horror at home, whew! Okay, so we need a soda, no big deal. 

Let's hit the gas station on the way home. We can top up the tank with a soda and round up to 10 worth of gas and pretend we were here mostly for gas. We're responsible adults who don't let the tank get to E, absolutely! So now do we get a fountain drink or a bottle of soda? We're not refilling, so it's pretty easy to calculate based on the amounts. The fountain drink is cheaper per unit value. 

BUUUUUUUT, when I drink through a straw, I tend to drink faster than having to sip from a bottle. So the bottle might last longer, giving me more value in the long term. But on the other hand, when I use a straw, the drink gets past my teeth without eroding them unless I intentionally hold a swig of soda in my mouth to feel the painful carbonation. So a fountain cup will be better for my teeth. Still, if I'm diligent with brushing and flossing, the difference is little to none at the end of the day. So fine, I'll get a bottle. 

Hmmm, should I just get a 2 liter and pour in a cup at home? Better cost per unit, for sure. But if I don't control how I drink it once I get home, I'm likely to finish it off in a day, so it's not the healthiest option. Also, it doesn't fit well in the fridge and often sits on the counter cluttering the kitchen. 

The Worst Part

Honestly, I could argue this further, but it's pretty clear how easy it is for me to both sides an issue forever. The worst part isn't the soda itself. The worst part is how I can spend so long deciding which perspective to act on that I lose my chance to decide or get overwhelmed with too many options and end up not deciding or making poor decisions. Then I spend the rest of my day whatiffing and/or regretting my decisions. 

This is a constant struggle that often leaves me being impulsive and regretful and cues the cycle of self-shame and depression. There are many situations where being able to see all the perspectives is great, but oftentimes, this gift gets me stuck on daily life instead of solving truly complex problems in a unique way.

With love and insanity equally,

J.M.