A contradiction in choice

I'm not sure if this is the ADHD or just my personality, but I'm very self-aware. I know my strengths and weaknesses intimately, and with my propensity to overthink everything I am very critical of myself. I had one or two things I wanted to pick today for a topic and as I was exploring them, I noticed a contradiction I made in earlier posts and I started overthinking it to its logical conclusion. So what did I say?

Well in the intro I made it clear that I viewed ADHD not as some horrible disease, but as an issue of my strengths and weaknesses being more extreme than for most people. I also talked about how it's not laziness, but extreme mental blocks to do things in the weakness category. So if it's just a weakness, why can I not just overcome it and get better at it?

So to illustrate the difference, I'm going to talk about another mental health issue, anxiety. Lots of people hear the term and shrug it off as people just using normal stress as an excuse to not do things. But anyone with real anxiety can tell you that's not at all true. So we separate the terms fear/worry from Anxiety.

What is fear/worry? You think something bad may happen, nice and simple. Whether it's standing too close to a cliff and thinking you might slip and fall or worrying people won't like you if you don't put make-up on in the mornings and dress up. Whether productive or not, we can argue these fears are REAL. The cause really might have an effect. The danger/risk is real and impactful. So where does Anxiety fit in? 

Well, the cause and effect might be the same and might be just as real as any other rational fear. But the difference is choice. When a person with a fear of falling off the cliff takes that extra step, that extra lean, they are still scared, but they rationalize that the safety rail will protect them. The view is worth it when you know the rail lowers the risk. Someone with anxiety might not have any control over rationalizing the risk. 

The risk and fear is the same and IS REAL, but the reaction to that fear is very different. Someone with Anxiety might not be able to overcome that fear for any reward. On the other side of the rail, that fear might extend to less rational things. Getting in an elevator and going to the top floor might trigger the same fear and response without even getting near the window. 

Knowing a bad thing is possible triggers that fear even if there's little likelihood of the event actually occurring in that situation. There's more to it and the brain taking a fear and imagination to its extreme, but Anxiety is uncontrolled and stubborn, while normal fear is very situational and can usually be overcome. 

But the issue is of choice. Can a person with Anxiety step to that safety rail and look over? Physically yes, but the barrier is astronomically higher than a normal person. That thought process of falling and dying stays with them even when they aren't by a cliff. It's just so much harder to overcome. But can they? Yes.

So my issue with attention is, COULD I focus super hard and study for a test for 2 hours without a break? Yeah, absolutely. But it would take so much mental effort, so much struggle, I wouldn't do it well. And when I was done, you can forget about me doing anything but recharging the rest of the day. So often times the end result isn't worth just forcing my way past the wall. Instead, I break tasks up, take more frequent breaks, and listen to music. 

I don't get things done as quickly, but I do things well and thoroughly. And I'm not drained for anything else the whole day. I spend twice the time but I get many times the work done than if I spent half the time and forced my way through it.

A fish should not be judged on its ability to climb a tree, Could it spend millennia evolving the ability to climb a tree? Maybe, but if there's a stream that goes around the tree, the fish will take the easier method. Just because a monkey who can't swim goes over the tree doesn't mean the fish should just choose to learn to climb like the monkey. Some weaknesses are so significant that in most cases it is less helpful trying to overcome them than just finding a way around them. I will not expect the monkey to swim, and I won't expect the fish to climb. Neither is 'broken' by their weakness, and they both use their strengths to get to the destination.

Choice is important, and we must remember that we do have the choice to buckle down and overcome our shortfalls. But we must also remember to be rational and realistic about our strengths and weaknesses. Trying to force a weakness to disappear is hard for anyone, let alone someone to whom it is an extreme wall to get over. We need to pick and choose what weaknesses are worth overcoming. Maybe I can google an image of a cliff view. And maybe I have to put in some work to get my studying done because the degree and better pay are worth getting past the wall, even if I have to work to build some stairs over.

With love and insanity equally,

J.M.