A task in a task in a task

I will go into executive function more specifically in a later post, but today I want to address one of the aspects of attention and effort that the 'normal' people of the world seem to have the most trouble getting in my experience. You see when most people do something, anything really, they just DO IT.

There's a bit of planning for some tasks, motivation and steps for others, but for the most part, people follow Nike's slogan and JUST DO IT. It always baffled me when I had a sleepover with one of my earliest friends and he would just lay down and CHOOSE to go to sleep. I mean in an instant he was gone, snoring. I had to hit him with a pillow 5 times to inform him he was doing sleepovers wrong by actually sleeping! 

I don't have that luxury, I have to just sit in bed and wait for my body to give in to the night. That's less my ADHD, but to illustrate a point, many things that most people do involuntarily, things that just happen, do not just happen for me. Almost everything I do takes mental effort and thought. 

I am terrible at sports because I'm not great at instinct and muscle memory in movement. I have to think about any small task I do in detail. Because everything is a thought, a mental effort, I get mentally exhausted more often. Early in life, I didn't really understand this and I had a lot of self-shame thinking I was just lazy when I didn't get my homework done or forgot some chore or task. 

It further compounds with my view of a task. Because I overthink everything in detail, doing the dishes isn't a single task. When you say 'do the dishes', this is what I hear:

1. Clean up the table

2. Throw away any trash from the cooking process

    A. Now I might need to take out the trash if it's full

3. Put away any leftover food in Tupperware and store in the fridge
    A. Crap there's no room in the fridge, I need to reorganize the entire fridge to make this fit
        a. The bottom of this drawer in the fridge has something sticky on it. I need to find out what leaked and why.

        b. Probably need to throw away whatever made the mess

        c. While I'm pulling everything out, I should probably wipe the shelves real quick

        d. After throwing away anything bad, I definitely need to take the trash out now

4. OK the fridge is clean, the food and trash are away, now to the dishes

5. Unload the clean

6. Scrub any excess food off the dishes before putting them in

7. Load the dishes

8. Clean the sink

9. Clean the counters

10. Sweep the dining room

So it's easy to see how someone like me might get overwhelmed with what should be a 'simple' task. And being overwhelmed means I work slower, and get distracted more easily. By the time the lunch dishes tasks are over, it's time to make dinner and start the whole thing over again. 

Now if I separate the tasks myself and take them on one at a time, I don't get as overwhelmed. I have the same amount of work overall, but instead of a giant mountain to climb, I mentally confine myself to getting done one small easy little thing.

All this to say, go easy on yourself if you have ADHD, mental energy is just as important as physical energy and it's way easier to drain when you spend all day fighting distractions, forcing your own motivation, and not receiving enough feedback in your brain to make it worth it. 

If you know someone with ADHD, this is the hard part. I'm not gonna say just 'cut them slack' because that doesn't address the issue. Rather make tasks easier for them. Break a task into individual steps, even if it seems like a single task like the dishes. Don't nag, but do be present while they work. Because I find motivation harder and distraction everywhere, I need some accountability. 

If I do the dishes alone in the house, those dishes will take 2-3 hours. but with my wife sitting in the living room talking to me, I can get it done in an hour or less. She's not doing any work, just being present. She keeps my mind focused by knowing if I get distracted she will see me stop working. Music also helps me by providing a distraction for my mind without taking me from the task. I can enjoy the music and focus on the music while my body just does the dishes in the background.

Tasks are hard, harder for me than most people, and my mental energy limits me constantly. I'm not lazy, and there are techniques to help make it easier for me. So don't shame or nag or be upset, focus on reducing distractions, breaking up tasks, and providing accountability, and the task can get done.

With love and insanity equally,

J.M.