My Life as a Gundam

Today I write to you after a week and a half of a sinus and ear infection. I have not been able to complete basic chores, I have not finished the laundry or fully cleaned the kitchen. Today will be the first day I have logged into my online schooling in almost 2 weeks. Did I forget my medicine? Nope. Was I sleeping off the infection? Nope, I could barely get any sleep with this. So other than just feeling bad, why am I so thrown off? Other people get sick and 'push through' to get stuff done. 

ADHA with Illness

Today I want to connect a point I made previously with being sick or dealing with pain or stress. In a previous post, I mentioned how things that are involuntary like walking and breathing are processes that I am more conscious of. Do I walk most of the day without considering is, sure. But then I'll be moving and thinking about where to put my foot so it's not in the way when I open the door. Most people do this intuitively, but some things are more of a conscious effort for me. This leads to mental drain and burnout being much higher for me than my neurotypical peers. But this is compounded by being sick or stressed or in constant pain. 

I want to start by separating intellect from consciousness. I don't think I'm some super smart genius. But I am conscious in my brain in a way most aren't. It shows itself in things like conscious effort like above. But to get a better sense, imagine you're playing soccer. You run, see the ball coming your way, look at the goal, and decide which side to kick to. And you kick. Regardless of where you decided, the action has happened, mostly on a whim. Most people aren't calculating angles, looking at the probability of interference or wind, or figuring out based on stance which sides the goalie is quicker to move to. This is all processing that is normally a form of muscle memory for most people. 

Difference between Neurotypical and ADHD thinking

A neurotypical person has still kind of done all the same thought processes, but it's more a memorization than a calculation. They know if they kick the right side of the ball, the ball veers left and vice versa. They know that if they see the player lean one way, they should shoot in a certain direction. These calculations were all done intentionally at some point while learning to play the game. But once they got used to it, those calculations became associations, raw memorization. If I see X, I do Y.  I No longer think about why, just knowing that's how it is.

On the other hand, with ADHD I am constantly doing the calculations. I have less instinct and less muscle memory. This applies to mental efforts too. Instead of feeling like a whole person, I feel like a pilot of this body, trying to awkwardly control all the limbs at the same time to match what everyone else just effortlessly does. Everything is a thought, an effort. My person is not my heart, but my brain. I am just my brain, watching the rest of my body and trying to control it as best I can, but there's not really a good manual for this thing. My grandma couldn't read a bit of sheet music but could pick up an instrument, hear a song, and just start playing it. I can say with near certainty she did not have ADHD. Her heart and body were her. She, seeming effortless, controlled what she was doing perfectly. It was all-natural, no manual was needed. I NEED a manual. 

The Invisible Disability

So I exist in my head, everything is done with my head. And I've got this sinus infection that is putting pressure through every corner of my head. All of a sudden I feel like I'm existing in a fog. Everything is this sinus pressure, everything is a lack of focus on anything but this pressure. I've been struggling to write this all week, but I couldn't focus long enough to sit down and do this until today. It's like driving in a downpour with no windshield wipers. Because I am so thought-driven, physical afflictions like illness or constant pain can destroy any potential I have to be productive. 

Need for Rest

All my effort is trying to see through the fog. All my focus goes to the pain. Burnout is the only state remaining; every effort to struggle my way out of burnout only tires me more and drags me deeper. Depression as well, which many with ADHD deal with regularly. 

This post has no answer or solution, unfortunately. This is a PSA that a small illness that barely affects me physically is still causing a massive impairment to me because it takes what little focus and mental effort I have left just to clear the windshield. Not everyone has the muscle memory mental or physical to keep moving through problems that seem small to everyone else. 

That little problem can tip the balance to overwhelming. If I exist in my mind and my mind is struggling to get over sickness, I can't just push the rest of the body to keep moving. My head has to send the controls and right now my windshield is blocked and I can't see enough of the road to drive. 

With love and insanity equally,

J.M.